From The Depths

I’ve wanted to write about my experience in this chapter of my life for a while now. So, I’ve finally decided to do it. I expect entries to only occur once in a while. For all intent purposes, I’m going to keep it as anonymous as possible for obvious reasons.

It’s interesting. Years ago, I planned on making a move out here to California. That was before China, and it never materialized. Turned out to be another one of my big ideas that faded as time passed. And yet, here I am. This, however, was not how I envisioned being here. But nonetheless, I’m here.

To be brutally honest, I’ve been fairly miserable since I’ve been out here, at least during the normal working hours. I’ve become a person that lives for the weekends and just getting out of work every day. How sad. The worst part about that is I’ve only been out here for a few months. And in that short time frame, I’ve managed to discover why I never became a part of this before.

Every day has been a battle of some sorts. Most were the same. Every day was a struggle. I despise 90% of the people I personally work with, and on top of that I dislike about 95% of the people in this job as a whole. The people you work with can have a strong effect on your day entirely.

If you know me at all, you know I have a strong policy when it comes to sheer stupidity. Zero. Zero tolerance. I know what you’re thinking, I’m in the wrong place. You’re right. To a certain degree. We’ll come back to that topic later, though.

Back to what I was saying, every day was a struggle. I sleep in the Arctic Circle, so right off the bat I’m miserable. I keep chicken and an assortment of other meats in my locker, and they stay frozen. Alright, I’m being dramatic, but it’s pretty fricken close. I’m up before the sun is out. More misery. I’m surrounded by morons. More misery. The food is terrible. More misery. I work with some really stupid people, and I’m surrounded by these people and the stupidity they bring to the table more often than not. That is followed by laziness and illogical reasoning. I find myself wondering, am I really that smart? The answer is quite simply, no. I’m intelligent, sure, but not as intelligent as I’m made out to be in my work environment. They are just that dumb. I’ve known this for quite some time, and my time here has only solidified the belief that most people are idiots. There’s no other word for it. OK, that’s a lie. There are many words for it. I’m just going to hold my tongue and restrain my fingers from typing them out.

Every day I got out of work was a relief. A weight lifted off my shoulders. A temporary stress relief. I say temporary because I knew I only had a short time to escape my prison. Every night, I would reason things out and ask for patience, wisdom, endurance, and whatever else I thought necessary to get me through another day. Despite it all, ultimately I’m aware that I am here for a reason. What that reason is, I don’t know. It may be a long time until I do.

Maturity is a pain in the ass. I’ve acknowledged that I have a lot to work on, and many lessons to learn. Some of those lessons are harder to drive into my thick skull.

You might be asking yourself, why did you take on this new job? What did you expect? Well, for that I have no answer. But I didn’t expect this. Like anything in life, it requires time. So that is what I’m doing for now – biding my time until I shift into another department.

The good news is, I’m currently working in another department. Temporarily. It was sort of designed as punishment in one way, in some sense. Regardless, it’s a reward for me, and I’m very thankful. Some people sincerely dislike the ‘work’ I now do. Not me. I love it. For the pure fact that I loathe my previous department. From the bottom of my heart, I want nothing to do with that department.

There are a select few that I can tolerate, and a very small portion of those tolerable that I like. From that group, there are even less that I have hung out with or would hang out with after work. The feeling is mutual. Most don’t care for me either. I don’t blame them. I keep to myself, I separate myself from them, and I don’t hang out with them. I don’t think or act like them. I pride myself on all those factors.

The people that I enjoy being around during working hours usually end up being fond of me as well. I suppose I possess some level of charm that eventually breaks down their initial opinions and in the end wins them over. At least to some degree. As for the people I dislike, which is the majority, well they eventually learn to dislike me as well. That’s not a coincidence. I’d like to keep it that way.

Seems I can be a genuine lone wolf at times. I don’t mind it. China helped me in that sense.

Since we’ve breached that subject, let’s take it a bit further. I sincerely miss China. My time was up there, that’s certain. But I do miss it. In case you were wondering, I’ve maintained my studies on a fairly consistent and daily basis. I don’t even know why I continue to pursue fluency. I have no reason. I just feel like I should. Nay, I need to. I’m convinced that China or something Chinese related will be present in my future be it near or far.

I’m not looking for sympathy through sharing this. It’s really just a way for me to vent and express myself on paper. I know it will get better. I know that anything worth waiting for doesn’t come easy and that no one ever guaranteed that life would be easy. In fact, you can almost certainly claim the opposite of that. Life is difficult and there are plenty of challenges that we all must face at one time or another. Some worse than others.

Oddly enough, I deal with so many flat out scumbags no better than the dirt on my shoe that when confronted with some who appears genuinely kind, it throws me completely off. Take for example the other day. I was working, just going through typical, mundane duties. Nothing real challenging or difficult. Out of nowhere, one kid sitting down had actually offered to help move some things. I was flabbergasted. I even said to the guy, ‘Ya know, I’m so used to dealing with a%#holes that I don’t even know how to react when somebody acts otherwise.’ It's amazing how far some kind words can go. Ironically, later on in the day, I discovered he was just another person I didn’t care for, but still. Point is, genuine kindness is rare.

You think that I’m exaggerating when I discuss the majority of people in such a negative sense, but the facts speak for themselves. I witness it regularly.

And I’m not trying to come off all high and mighty either. I know I have countless flaws, but at the very least I have morals. Most of the people I’m around do not. And if they ever did, they were quick to drop them to fall among the herd with the rest of the cattle. I might even go as far as saying that my worst friend is better than most of the people I’m around.

Anyways, I’m doing better. I try to tell myself it’s going to be a good day in the morning before I have to deal with any bullsh*t, which is less frequent now.

The beach and the gym have been my main stress relievers. The oceans have a comforting way about them. Rough or calm. Swimming in them or just watching waves roll in.