Time - Not On Our Side

I’m sitting in the rec center, as usual, but you should see me. I’m walking around with bread, peanut butter, and jelly in my back pack. So I’m sitting in the corner, making a damn sandwich. This is my solution to buying out. It’s quite the scene.

If you think that’s weird, just the other day, I witnessed an older guy at work mixing his Cheetos with yogurt…Rather odd, if you ask me. He was Asian too. Not really helping my case.

Still plugging away at work. One day at a time. Scratch that. One hour at a time. Ok, it’s not THAT bad. As stated before, my new, temporary ‘department’ is a hell of a lot better than what I was dealing with before. And the good thing about this temporary position is that my hard work gets noticed. My work is not demanding at all right now, but when there’s something to get done, I can be counted on to get it done. And my boss knows that.

This one kid was really annoying me for a while because he has no work ethic. Can’t separate down time from work time. Disappears often and doesn’t contribute a whole lot. I had a couple arguments before I gave it up. My boss knows I’m right, but he gets equally as tired of dealing with him as I do. I’ve gone volcano on him before. You know what I mean. You’re doing your thing, but this other thing is just eating you up and bothering you like no other before you finally explode. Maybe you don’t. But I get that sometimes. Working on it.

Now, I just ignore him for the most part. I do my thing. If that means me doing the majority of the work, so be it. I can’t be bothered. Rather just get it done and move on. If he can still get a good night’s sleep after not putting forth an honest day’s work, good for him. Working on worrying about myself. I’m the go to guy, and that’s reward enough.

The problem is, I still have that rebellious side to me. It’s not going away. It’s a part of me. So I refuse to accept the standard BS answer that people like to give you and say, ‘That’s just the way it is.’ Bullshit. That’s the way it is because no one wants to do anything to change it and most people just accept that answer, rather than make any kind of attempt to change it. I shut up from time to time, but I make waves when I can. Someone needs to. I will continue to undermine and question illogical authority until I’m old and gray.

Once again, like always, I find myself in a situation that seems and in reality is just temporary. That being said, I feel like I’m in another purgatory. I’m afraid to make big moves. I feel like those big moves will only slow my progress in the future, i.e. getting a car, my own place, or anything of any substantial value. All that will just complicate things when it comes time for me to leave and move on, which will happen sooner than later. I feel like I’m always in this position. It sucks.

I suppose this is the price you pay for always moving around. The sad part is, I still have plans to do so after my current situation ends. I’ve got a while, but nonetheless. I wanted experience over money and materials. I guess I’m getting that. And everything that goes with it.

I manage to stay busy, though. Take for example the other day. I was up at 335, worked till 8 AM. During work, I had already taken care of my laundry. Just had to go collect it and fold it afterwards. Following work, I went to the gym, then took a shower and cleaned up. I took care of all this before it was even 10 AM. In one sense, that’s awesome. In another, it’s just like what the hell.

My free time is so precious that I’ve got to constantly multi task. When work falls on a gym day, I’ll go on break and get a shower in as well. Do you think I like doing that? No way. I would much rather read, relax, and nap. My only other alternative is taking care of that stuff after work.

Well most of my days start at 4 AM and I get out at 6 PM. That’s a long day, even with breaks. The last thing I want to do is stick around there, see the people I’ve seen all day, and limit my own ‘free time’. The only way to maximize my time is to take care of all those things during work so I can just jet out afterwards. And with a 4 AM start, I have to be back by 10 PM at the latest so I can actually get some sleep.

Typically I’m working with between five and six hours of sleep. I’ll get naps in if I can during those breaks. They’re unintentional, though. I usually go and read, but end up falling asleep. I’ll wake up again, read a few lines or a few pages, fall back asleep, and continue this cycle until my alarm goes off. What a day.

I miss not knowing what anyone was saying because I didn’t understand the language. Ignorance is bliss. At least in that, I don’t have to hear all the negative garbage that spews from people’s mouths. I’ve completely lost faith in humanity. I probably never really had much, but being around some of these people all day – it gets to you. I just can’t believe how people think, act, and speak.

Of course, I’ve known this. But again, now I’m exposed to it all the time, daily. I’ll tell you, though. I can’t fathom it. I’m just speaking in generalities because the specifics are countless. Makes you wonder how much good is actually out there in the world. A very small amount, methinks.

I’ve missed the changing of the seasons out here. Autumn, one of my favorites. I would have loved to see the changing of the leaves and enjoyed some of the other comforts that Fall offers. Cider, fresh cider donuts, seasonal beers, the hikes with the views, the warm days and cooler nights, being comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, and just the overall feel. I don’t even watch football, but it was nice to see it on TV with it giving me that Fall sense.

We had a few, I won’t say rainy, but almost rainy and grey sky days. I have to say. I appreciated them. It was nice just to have something different for a change. Oddly enough, I might even be looking forward to the cold. It seems unlikely, though. I think my judgment is just clouded right now. I’ll probably feel differently once I’m in it.

I think I want to just go around the world, dabble in some photography and write about my experiences. Is there a job like this? Can I make it one? How would I go about doing this? I would love to know.

I’ll tell you one thing I’m sick of, though. Rushing. I’m always rushing. I get up at 340, I’m rushing to get down to work by 4. I’m rushing to complete my workout during my break if it falls on a gym day. I’m rushing shower after work, then rushing to walk over to one of the places where I can snag wifi in order to maximize my free time. I’m then rushing back to maximize my sleep time which is more often than not lacking. Rushing, rushing, rushing. I'm a Rushin' American'.

From The Depths

I’ve wanted to write about my experience in this chapter of my life for a while now. So, I’ve finally decided to do it. I expect entries to only occur once in a while. For all intent purposes, I’m going to keep it as anonymous as possible for obvious reasons.

It’s interesting. Years ago, I planned on making a move out here to California. That was before China, and it never materialized. Turned out to be another one of my big ideas that faded as time passed. And yet, here I am. This, however, was not how I envisioned being here. But nonetheless, I’m here.

To be brutally honest, I’ve been fairly miserable since I’ve been out here, at least during the normal working hours. I’ve become a person that lives for the weekends and just getting out of work every day. How sad. The worst part about that is I’ve only been out here for a few months. And in that short time frame, I’ve managed to discover why I never became a part of this before.

Every day has been a battle of some sorts. Most were the same. Every day was a struggle. I despise 90% of the people I personally work with, and on top of that I dislike about 95% of the people in this job as a whole. The people you work with can have a strong effect on your day entirely.

If you know me at all, you know I have a strong policy when it comes to sheer stupidity. Zero. Zero tolerance. I know what you’re thinking, I’m in the wrong place. You’re right. To a certain degree. We’ll come back to that topic later, though.

Back to what I was saying, every day was a struggle. I sleep in the Arctic Circle, so right off the bat I’m miserable. I keep chicken and an assortment of other meats in my locker, and they stay frozen. Alright, I’m being dramatic, but it’s pretty fricken close. I’m up before the sun is out. More misery. I’m surrounded by morons. More misery. The food is terrible. More misery. I work with some really stupid people, and I’m surrounded by these people and the stupidity they bring to the table more often than not. That is followed by laziness and illogical reasoning. I find myself wondering, am I really that smart? The answer is quite simply, no. I’m intelligent, sure, but not as intelligent as I’m made out to be in my work environment. They are just that dumb. I’ve known this for quite some time, and my time here has only solidified the belief that most people are idiots. There’s no other word for it. OK, that’s a lie. There are many words for it. I’m just going to hold my tongue and restrain my fingers from typing them out.

Every day I got out of work was a relief. A weight lifted off my shoulders. A temporary stress relief. I say temporary because I knew I only had a short time to escape my prison. Every night, I would reason things out and ask for patience, wisdom, endurance, and whatever else I thought necessary to get me through another day. Despite it all, ultimately I’m aware that I am here for a reason. What that reason is, I don’t know. It may be a long time until I do.

Maturity is a pain in the ass. I’ve acknowledged that I have a lot to work on, and many lessons to learn. Some of those lessons are harder to drive into my thick skull.

You might be asking yourself, why did you take on this new job? What did you expect? Well, for that I have no answer. But I didn’t expect this. Like anything in life, it requires time. So that is what I’m doing for now – biding my time until I shift into another department.

The good news is, I’m currently working in another department. Temporarily. It was sort of designed as punishment in one way, in some sense. Regardless, it’s a reward for me, and I’m very thankful. Some people sincerely dislike the ‘work’ I now do. Not me. I love it. For the pure fact that I loathe my previous department. From the bottom of my heart, I want nothing to do with that department.

There are a select few that I can tolerate, and a very small portion of those tolerable that I like. From that group, there are even less that I have hung out with or would hang out with after work. The feeling is mutual. Most don’t care for me either. I don’t blame them. I keep to myself, I separate myself from them, and I don’t hang out with them. I don’t think or act like them. I pride myself on all those factors.

The people that I enjoy being around during working hours usually end up being fond of me as well. I suppose I possess some level of charm that eventually breaks down their initial opinions and in the end wins them over. At least to some degree. As for the people I dislike, which is the majority, well they eventually learn to dislike me as well. That’s not a coincidence. I’d like to keep it that way.

Seems I can be a genuine lone wolf at times. I don’t mind it. China helped me in that sense.

Since we’ve breached that subject, let’s take it a bit further. I sincerely miss China. My time was up there, that’s certain. But I do miss it. In case you were wondering, I’ve maintained my studies on a fairly consistent and daily basis. I don’t even know why I continue to pursue fluency. I have no reason. I just feel like I should. Nay, I need to. I’m convinced that China or something Chinese related will be present in my future be it near or far.

I’m not looking for sympathy through sharing this. It’s really just a way for me to vent and express myself on paper. I know it will get better. I know that anything worth waiting for doesn’t come easy and that no one ever guaranteed that life would be easy. In fact, you can almost certainly claim the opposite of that. Life is difficult and there are plenty of challenges that we all must face at one time or another. Some worse than others.

Oddly enough, I deal with so many flat out scumbags no better than the dirt on my shoe that when confronted with some who appears genuinely kind, it throws me completely off. Take for example the other day. I was working, just going through typical, mundane duties. Nothing real challenging or difficult. Out of nowhere, one kid sitting down had actually offered to help move some things. I was flabbergasted. I even said to the guy, ‘Ya know, I’m so used to dealing with a%#holes that I don’t even know how to react when somebody acts otherwise.’ It's amazing how far some kind words can go. Ironically, later on in the day, I discovered he was just another person I didn’t care for, but still. Point is, genuine kindness is rare.

You think that I’m exaggerating when I discuss the majority of people in such a negative sense, but the facts speak for themselves. I witness it regularly.

And I’m not trying to come off all high and mighty either. I know I have countless flaws, but at the very least I have morals. Most of the people I’m around do not. And if they ever did, they were quick to drop them to fall among the herd with the rest of the cattle. I might even go as far as saying that my worst friend is better than most of the people I’m around.

Anyways, I’m doing better. I try to tell myself it’s going to be a good day in the morning before I have to deal with any bullsh*t, which is less frequent now.

The beach and the gym have been my main stress relievers. The oceans have a comforting way about them. Rough or calm. Swimming in them or just watching waves roll in.