Ah. Singapore, Singapore. Not a land for the poor.
Well, it’s November 7th. I’m back on the ship, back at out at sea. Port visits are or are nearly done. We’re on the home stretch, though I feel like it might get a little harder before it gets easier.
We finish handling the lines, the excitement is over, and I’m left feeling mixed emotions. Standing out, looking over the water, embarking on another part of our journey, there’s a bitter sweetness and a sadness to it all. Behind the exterior, though, there’s a gratefulness. Even a happiness, though brief and fleeting it may be. Naturally, I’m not excited to be back on board, not even remotely. Quite the opposite, actually.
Pulling out of a port, watching the land fade into the distance, all of the stress and anxiety suddenly reappears. Old, familiar aches and pains that would otherwise go unnoticed, unwittingly return. My back is sore, and I’m tired. It’s disturbingly disheartening.
Despite the stupidity, which I’ll briefly discuss, port calls make the trip worthwhile. Being able to visit other countries, even with the limitations and curfews and countless other rules and regulations, is incredible. I’d like to be able to say I would give up those port calls and foreign country experiences if I was able to travel back and never join. Problem is, I’m not so sure I would.
To name a few of those rules, if we’re going to consume alcohol, groups must be a minimum of 3 people and a maximum of 5 people, with one person sort of acting as the baby-sitter, the non-drinker. If you’re rank is below E-4, no overnight liberty is granted. We have a curfew of 10:00PM. Allow me to remind you that even Cindarella with the evil step-mother was granted a midnight curfew. Now, I understand this permission was not given by the evil-stepmother, but nonetheless. E-4’s are only given overnight if they are considered by their departments an ‘exceptional sailor’. So you’re telling me that children of the ages 18, 19, 20 have demonstrated leadership abilities and proven their right to stay overnight just based on rank. This is just one of the reasons I hate my job.
I’m about to be 28, but I have a 10:00PM curfew. Ridiculous. I’ve known this, but it never ceases to amaze me. Rank trumps all. Age is never a consideration. It’s bullshit. Baby me some more, please.
As I previously stated, though, despite all the bogus rules and ridiculousness I’m forced to deal with, I still manage to enjoy myself when I finally escape this floating, steel prison. Going ashore is a breath of fresh air. It renews my spirits, and makes me grateful for the experience. I’m so thankful for the opportunities I’ve been presented with, the travelling I’ve done. Much of it has been cancelled or secured, but even so, I make the most of each port call.
Singapore was beautiful, I found it to be fairly amazing. Crazy, expensive, but beautiful. There’s just a richness to the city that can be seen everywhere. Not hard to believe once you see what typical prices are. It’s also a big tease. It’s very Chinese-esque with a majority of its citizens being Chinese, but in the end, it’s not China.
Studying Chinese has worn on me at times, and even become a chore at various intervals, but I’ve still stuck with it for the most part. I have found myself questioning it, though. I’ve questioned whether I should even continue, if it’s worth it, if I want to go back, etc. etc. Singapore has renewed my desires, though. I came to realize that my heart is still in China. I think I just had a minor setback with not an unusual sense of doubt, and maybe even fear. I suspect it’s not uncommon. Regardless of what I may actually desire, I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I know I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. And I know that above all else, with 100% certainty, that I must continue my Chinese endeavors and get past the slump I’ve been in. I think, for the most part, that I am.
Maybe deployment was just wearing on me. Maybe I just lost sight of my goals for a short while due to my own unhappiness and being a victim of circumstance. Those feelings of uncertainty were few and far in between, but there was an underlying growing sense of doubt. It was like a weed gone unchecked in a garden. If left alone, that weed would only continue to grow. It was nothing more than poison in my mind. Singapore was my remedy. Singapore cleansed my mind, and relieved me of any disbelief.
While there, I visited Chinatown on more than one occasion, I was able to talk to locals using Mandarin, see familiar sights, smell familiar scents, and taste familiar flavors all from a time in my not so distant past. It felt right. I felt alive. I’m more sure than ever that my future lies somehow and someway with China. Singapore was exactly what I needed. There was a serenity and peacefulness that came with these observations and overall acknowledgement. Something I’ve not felt in a while.
11/16
It’s painful being intelligent at times, and even more so when you’re constantly told this. Do you know why? Oh, I’ll tell you why. Because. That’s why. No, I’m kidding. It’s painful because you constantly have to be reminded of all the stupidity and bullshit, more so I think than someone who maybe isn’t as smart. Maybe ignorance truly is bliss. I’m not claiming to be some genius, but I’m smart enough to realize when I’m swallowing bullshit. Being smart is both a gift and a curse. I’m so heated and angry right now. All of it is just so frustrating. Makes me wonder why I have been chosen to deal with this. I don’t know how I haven’t cracked yet. I’ve had some moments, but somehow I’ve managed for the most part to stay sane. I’m on the brink, though. I really am. It’s madness! It’s not Sparta, but it is madness. Every time I finally come to terms and accept the harsh reality that is my every day situation, they manage to throw something else on or take something else away or just make it worse in some way, shape, or form. Every single time. I really fricken hate it. Why? Let me go. Just let me be. There will be no arguments or fight from my end. I’m ready. Let me be free. Let me go and venture out and spread my wings. I’ve had enough. I really have. Who am I to question it? No one. Yet, I still do. Oh, to be human. It does have its drawbacks, doesn’t it? “You’re a smart guy, but ultimately it doesn’t matter, and I don’t really give a shit.” Might as well just say that to me because that is what you’re really saying. Let’s be honest with each other. Intelligence and logic has no place in the Navy. That is why it’s commonplace to hear something along the lines of, “Don’t question Navy logic.” What a joke.
Alright. I’ve got that out of the way. I’ve vented a bit and put it on paper. I’d much rather being saying this to my chain of command. Hell, I’d like to post stories in the New York Times so that all can see how the military actually runs. I’ve often asked people, “What do you think your families would think if they saw your bosses or how things truly ran here?” The replies are never positive.
Let’s get back to Singapore. Singapore was awesome in my opinion. If I repeat myself, well, just deal with it. Oh, how I miss China. Singapore confirmed that, if ever there was any doubt. Day 1 was spent mostly wandering around. We had a map in hand, but there was no real decision determined on what we would be doing that way. We had good food and drink, so I can’t complain too much. Granted, we definitely pushed the envelope on curfew time that first night.
To give you a brief synopsis on that, there is a bus that picks you up a semi-short distance from the ship. From there, the bus drives you to a check-point on the base where Singapore military check you and your bags. From there, personnel are directed to another bus which drives you to a train stop. The train goes all over the city, and once you get the hang of navigation, it’s fairly easy to use. I had an easier time than most due to my city life familiarization of the past.
So, we stayed a bit too late in Chinatown, I suppose. Eh, what are you gonna do? Things happen. We made it, but we got real close and real lucky. We tried to get a taxi, which would have driven us directly to the checkpoint, but were denied because I guess taxi drivers were trying to stay in a more populated area. We only asked once, and then said screw it. Jumped back on the train, and took our chances there.
Well, we had to sprint from the train station stop to the bus waiting outside, which we barely made. We had to sprint from that first bus to the checkpoint, and from the checkpoint to the other bus. From there, we had no choice but to sprint yet again from that bus drop-off point to the ship. We signed back in with 3 minutes to spare. Yeah, we cut it pretty darn close. But hey, we made it, right? That’s all that matters in the end. It was pretty scary leading up to, but we weren’t the only ones. There was a whole busload of people with us, so it was going to be the whole bus headed for trouble, not just us. That was somewhat reassuring.
What a relief, though. We have enough restrictions and ridiculous rules. Stupid mistakes like that can only cause more problems and lead to more absurdities.
The next day, I had another group that I took off with. Different people have different duty days or different friends become available, so you can’t always go out with the same people. Sometimes, you just don’t want to anyways. Personally, I’d rather go by myself or with just one other person that had the same interests as me. Unfortunately, if you’re going to drink, we are required to have a 3-5 person rule. It’s a joke. It’s all a big joke. Just lock me up and throw away the key.
I had an idea of what I wanted to do on this second day of liberty, and we set out fairly early. We were off the ship by like 7:45 AM, I think. Not bad. Early bird gets the worm. Nah, more like early bird gets more time during the day. Being a bit of a photog, I was interested in seeing the aquarium and a few different gardens.
After taking the train down a ways and getting some breakfast, which took a while, we headed off to the Gardens by the Bay. Overall, I thought it was really neat. It’s the kind of place I could spend hours in taking photos and wandering alone. Again, don’t really have that luxury, but it’s the thought that counts.
We had been wandering around there for a decent amount of time, though it was obvious the whole group wasn’t feeling it as much as I was. I was the only one willing to pay $5.00 to walk around on the top of these structures referred to as the ‘supertrees’. When will I have the opportunity to do such a thing again? Of course I’m going up. We came to a close of the outside exhibits, and got up to something I was really looking forward to seeing. There are two large domes at this garden called The Cloud Forest Dome and the Flower Dome.
As suspected, I was really the only person interested in paying the $30.00 to go in and see both of these exhibits. I was hesitant myself, due to the lack of interest everyone else was showing. I also didn’t want to be ‘that guy,’ you know, holding everyone else up. Problem is, a lot of people are just interested in drinking. That’s all well and good, but I like to get out there and see the sights and do the things I want to first. Food and drink come later, in the evening, when I’ve done all that I want to do.
In the end, I decided I was going to get into those structures. Everyone else agreed they would just go in the bar and hang out for a bit while I walked around. I had promised to not to take too long. Truth be told, I wish I had taken more time. I could have stayed in those exhibits for hours.
The Flower Dome was amazing. You would think it would be hot, like a huge greenhouse. Quite the opposite. It was actually very cool and comfortable. Soft forest sounds played through speakers throughout the dome. There was so much oxygen. I swear, I felt lighter on my feed. I could breathe better, I felt better. It was incredible. It was like all my aches and pains just floated off of and left me feeling perfectly at peace. I slowly closed my eyes and inhaled large quantities of the fresh air. I felt great.
Inside, there were flowers and plants from different environments all over the world. I would have liked to take my time and have gotten some better pictures, but it is what it is. At least I got in there.
The Cloud Forest Dome was also very cool. I didn’t like it as much, and got through it even faster, but still pretty amazing. For starters, there was a huge waterfall that greeted you as soon as you entered the place. That in itself was fairly incredible. Inside was more greenery and walkways, even a floor dedicated to different types of crystals. I really didn’t spend too much time here, though. I just tried to get through as quickly as possible so as not to keep the group waiting too long. I think I got through both of them in about 30 minutes or so, just snapping pictures here and there, without dedicating too much time to one area. Still, I’m happy to say I’ve been inside of them. One more notch on the ol’ belt.
Now, the aquarium was a subject of some debate. There was still plenty of daylight to burn, but again, there was only two out of four of us really interested in going to the aquarium. Money is constantly an issue for people. No surprise there. I really think I’m one of the only people that know how to save their money and spend wisely. I wish it was just a matter of people prioritizing their money differently, but it’s really not. You have to remember, a lot of these guys are quite young. Financial smarts is as foreign to them as some of these countries are to me. Most of these guys are learning the hard way. Well, fortunately, I’ve already had that experience.
Ultimately, I went with my one buddy. As the two of us neared our destination and got off at the train stop, we realized it was going to be even more complicated getting to the aquarium. Our interest was somewhat fading. We were going to have to take a taxi in order to get there. Bah. Well, with our waning desire, I decided to flip a coin for it.
We called it before hand and proceeded to play out the coin flip. First flip was aquarium. We still weren’t decided on it. So, we decided best out of three would take the cake. Flipped it again, and low and behold, the side designated for aquarium showed its face again. Okay, three in a row hands down, we’ll go. Third flip came and sure enough, the aquarium won again. I am so glad it did. We grabbed a taxi, more like a black taxi (a person that uses their car as a taxi from time to time to make some extra cash), and headed to our destination.
That aquarium was sick. It was really awesome. I’m so happy to be able to say I went there. It’s got the largest viewing panel in the world. Looking back, how can you not go? For one, despite my hate for zoos, I love aquariums. There’s just something really fascinating about them. I’ve never even been that into fish, unlike my two brothers, but I do truly enjoy aquariums. Perhaps my taste has changed over the years. I don’t know, and I don’t care. Secondly, as one of the world’s largest aquariums, how can you not go? That’s like visiting Greece and not seeing the Coliseum. Out of your damn mind.
Some of the individual tanks in this place were huge. It was crazy. Again, I could have spent all day in there. We gave ourselves a decent amount of time, and ultimately ended up being late to our predetermined regrouping, but I could have used more time. I was still pretty pleased with the whole experience. If you ever get the chance, go. I’m telling you. I have some pictures, but they don’t do this place justice. It’s something you have to see to truly appreciate. That’s my opinion, at least. What do I know?
Just don’t waste your $2.00 on the movie that you have the option to add. They should have paid me $10.00 for that 15 minutes of my time. It was only $2.00, so whatever, but it was pretty dumb. I thought I was going to be watching like some underwater cinematography. Negative. It was this stupid story about Chinese sailors losing this talisman and everyone gets wiped on the ship except for the son. They try to turn it into this Imax-like experience, but I thought it was lame. Oh well.
To finish off the night, we met up with our other buddies. They weren’t too excited about our delay, but things happen. We sent a message through facebook when we were finally able to connect to some wifi, but since doing so is fairly difficult, they didn’t receive our message until after they had been waiting a bit. Sorry boys.
With just a little over an hour remaining, we got some food, had some beers, and smoked some cigars I had picked up in Okinawa. Go figure, we had found ourselves in Chinatown again. Whatever, would have liked a change of scenery, but can’t say I hated it.
I’m going to divert a little. Recounting what I’ve done and attempting to describe it and convey the emotions of the experience and all that can be challenging sometimes, even boring. Not to mention, I don’t feel like I’ve done anything really noteworthy, or worth writing about for a while. Singapore, maybe. Sasebo, not so much. It’s the 5th of December over here. I’ve had some trouble finishing this blog, and I’ve wanted to so that I was able to publish it in Hawaii.
Now, however, it seems I might not have that opportunity. All has changed, or is at least on the verge of change. With my own diversion of topic, comes our ship’s course diversion. We were suddenly turned around, headed back to Sasebo. The reason? A ‘super typhoon’ is headed for the Philippines. I’ve found myself flooded with emotions.
I was attempting to study some Chinese and make use of my time, but my head is spinning and I feel like I just have to put it on paper. What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to feel when my chain of command has someone going around to find out who has flights and/or hotel reservations? Should I be happy about this? Grateful? My heart is more bent towards anger and frustration and a deep, resonating sadness. We were so close. We were two weeks away from getting back into San Diego and putting this deployment, and shortly after this ship, behind us. So close, yet so far.
In other words, our new mission is to be ready for humanitarian efforts. Why did I sign up for this? I asked for this. I felt like it was something I was supposed to do. I wanted to be part of something bigger. Isn’t this exactly what I was looking for? I’ve looked into and somewhat attempted to be part of relief efforts in the past. But now?
I’ve been out for 6 months. Christmas is around the corner. I want to see my family. I want off of this ship. I’m done. I’ve been on the brink of sanity since I joined. Now I’m forced to face maybe one of the biggest challenges yet. I’ve had to make sacrifices before, but this is almost too much for me. I already lose touch with my family and friends on a daily basis. Now I’m being asked to cancel my plans and be ready to help the Philippines. And there’s nothing I can do. I can’t say no. I don’t have the luxury of choice.
Unless somehow this storm passes or manages to not do as much damage is predicted, then everything will change. Everyone, not just myself, will be forced to change the plans they’ve made. I understand perfectly that others have it worse than myself. People have wives and husbands and children. People have family that have made plans around their availability. Do I sound completely selfish? I know I’m being so. And part of me just doesn’t care. Don’t I deserve it? Don’t I deserve some time to myself, some time to get away and see my family that I love and miss? Haven’t I earned it? Haven’t we all?
I know. Completely and utterly selfish. I’m conflicted with different emotions. I realize I signed up for this and that this is exactly what this ship is supposed to do. That doesn’t change my personal feelings and the hopeless despair I’m currently suffering. We were so close. So fricken close. Another 2 or 3 days and we wouldn’t have even had to turn around. I’m praying this storm diverts its own course or
somehow just doesn’t hit that hard. No, not just for my sake. Maybe that’s hard to believe after I just went off on my own hardships. But in all honestly, of course I don’t want anyone to be affected by this. I also pray that somehow we get turned around because someone else was able to help. Selfish again. I KNOW. How can I not be? We were so close.
I’m a grown man, now 28 years of age, and I’ve fought off tears a few times today. It’s just…..we were so close. I hate this ship. I despise my job. And I was so close.
I’ll do what I must. It’s really not up to me anyways, is it? How the rest of these people do it, I’ll never know. How anyone can get through this without God, I’ll never know. I could not. Even more, I have to remember in my own plight of self-centeredness and selfish desires, there are people on this ship that have families and friends of their own living in the Philippines. So, I’m sure they are grateful for the chance to be able to ensure the safety of their people, ready to give aid where necessary.
Oh, the human heart….how treacherous and cruel you can be.
Ah. Typing this out has helped me immensely. I’m thankful for my ability to write, and for writing itself. It’s like my own personal psychologist.
I’m going be skipping around here for a bit, and writing what comes to mind first or whatever. Just stick with me here.
So I made a comment on a post the other day about how storms ‘revive me’. I’m going to elaborate on that. I happen to love storms. I’m not talking about the aftermath of destruction and devastation. Just the storms themselves. They do revive me. They bring my senses to life and wake me up. I feel alive when I’m in or around almost any kind of storm – rough seas, winds, rain storms, snow storms, thunder and lightning, etc. Those are the kinds of things I’m talking about. I don’t know. I find them exciting.
I wouldn’t say that they awaken a dark side of me, just an underlying part of me. Deep down. I almost feel liberated. Perhaps it’s like the essence of freedom, an acknowledgement of the freedom of the elements. I hardly know what I’m saying or what I’m trying to convey here. It’s a difficult feeling to describe. What I do know is that I’m almost happy during those times and more often than not, a faint smile will creep across my lips. I like to close my eyes, inhale a deep breath, and take it in all in. It’s refreshing.
And now, ladies and gentleman, I figured I’d discuss this dream I had the other night. It’s less frequent these days that I remember my dreams, and if I do, they’re usually not this vivid. This one, however, I remember quite well. I usually go through phases in regards to remembering dreams or not.
So, from what I remember, I was at some kind of a party. The night had passed by, and I found myself suddenly awoken, sleeping on the balcony of some kind of a hotel. I was so startled, that I actually fell off of the balcony. Below me was a huge, natural pool. As I was falling through the air, despite the immensity of the fall, I had felt like I had made the jump before, so the fall itself didn’t really frighten me. Nevertheless, I found myself screaming, not too loud, ‘Ohhhh, shiiiittttttt.’
With a splash, I landed somewhat gracefully in this natural pool. I call it a ‘natural’ pool because it was like a pool, but it wasn’t. There were tons of fish throughout. The fish were an oddity in themselves. The way they were acting was even more strange. These fish were clustered closely in small schools and kind of just floating, without much movement. I even grabbed a few of them, and I remember their scaly touch.
Before long, I realize there’s a pretty girl swimming alongside me. I had recognized her from the company party. Blonde. She said to me, “You’re Jeff, right?” I responded with a, “Yeah, how do you know that?” She told me something along the lines of, I recognized you from the party. I don’t remember exactly how, but she had a logical explanation that wasn’t quite touching upon creeper status. She was able to answer all of my questions with the same reasonable logic. It made sense.
In regards to the fish, this girl explained to me they were feeding. I touched a bit more on the subject, but eventually dropped it.
Next thing I know, we’re in her car, and she’s driving me back. Here’s where things get really weird. She had been attractive, but her face suddenly twisted and contorted into an ugly, almost alien looking thing. She told me she had recently had surgery and sometimes her face got stuck like that. I had to be careful with all of my actions and words now. I wasn’t trying to get murdered here. Ha.
I also noticed a part of her body. I’m not sure if I actually caught it changing for a second or I just realized that she had had surgery there as well, and caught a glimpse of what it was before. Regardless, I was fairly freaked out. I tried to just stare forward.
So, we turn down this narrow alleyway, barely big enough for the car, and we come face to face with this old man on his bicycle. It turns into a Mexican standoff. This freak driving the vehicle I’m in sticks her head out and yells at the guy. The old man screams something back, calling her something along the lines of an ugly man. Yikes. He then peddles his bike forward and forces our car backwards. Not bad, old man, not bad.
With the fishing pole in his hand, he rigs it up somehow either catching the car, or catching this ‘woman’ herself with the hook. In my own panic, I detach the hook, deciding that helping her was the better option. When I let it go, it caught on the mirror of the car. We’re driving off, and I see the old man getting arrested by the police. With pole in hand and our car racing off in the opposite direction, the old man comes flying forward through the air following behind our vehicle. Then I woke up. Weird huh?
Alright. It’s time to close this. Officially. I apologize for getting it out so late. Truth be told I forgot about it, then considered not putting it out at all since it’s a little after the fact. Ultimately, I decided I would share it anyways, just to share some experiences and give you a glimpse of all the feelings I went through during this underway.
I’m a better man, now, in a better place. The storm diverted course, and settled down to just a tropical storm if you missed the news. We returned back only 6 days late. Phew. Dodged that bullet. All of us. AND, I picked up a job as an MC – basically photography and journalism, two weeks before returning. Right up my alley, huh? I was and am still so grateful for that. What a relief.
I may not enjoy the system as a whole, but this is going to make my time here a lot more enjoyable. Thanks for reading.
