A Passionate Discovery

And here’s a typical blog opener from me - I know. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I won’t make excuses. It just hasn’t been a priority, though I’ve thought about doing it for some time. Just haven’t gotten around to it. So here it goes.

The job has been ok. I was working in a different department for over 3 months. That was a nice break, a nice change. Getting treated like a 7 year old instead of a 4 year old makes a big difference. Hours were long, but I had some decent breaks, so I managed to get my workouts and studying Chinese in during a lot of them. Originally, I had just read during my breaks and would end up falling asleep. I soon learned to utilize my time more wisely. All my co-workers usually just slept. I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

About a week and a half ago or so, I reluctantly talked to my original department heads since technically it was time for me to return. I had intentionally gone over my required time away just because I was trying to avoid going back. However, I got sick of it. The long hours, dealing with another form of idiots and stupidity, and just the gig overall. It was time for a change. Going back to what I was doing before is still a change from any current circumstances. Not the most ideal change, but what can you do? Hoping this is my month that I’ll finally get a REAL position in another field.

The hours are now longer than they used to be and most days me and my fellow co-workers are kept there just to be kept there. It’s one big power struggle and spitting contest with no rhyme or reason. That’s probably what bothers me the most – the lack of logic. People see this in me. I’ve been told numerous times, which makes it all the more frustrating, that I’m too smart for this or don’t need this. And you know what? Arrogance aside, I agree with them. I’ve got to choke that down on a daily basis and just deal with it.

However, recently, I’ve decided to maintain a new mindset and attitude. I can sum up that mentality in a few words, ‘I don’t care’. It’s hard to uphold at times and don’t misunderstand me. I care, just not in some ways. For example, they want to keep me there for stupidity? Go ahead. Whatever. Want to assign me stupid, worthless, mundane tasks? Go ahead. Whatever. Want to force me to work under a completely and utterly useless regime of morons? That’s fine too. And do you know why? In the end, I’m going to win. I’m going to get out of this department. I’m going to do well and thrive in whatever environment you place me in. I’m going to succeed. I’m going to move on to bigger and better things when all is said and done. I’m going to constantly and consistently work towards improving myself in various ways. So you can force me down or do your best to do so. It’s only going to work so long. I try to keep just a better, happier attitude. And trust me, I’m forced to swallow so much BS on a regular basis. It’s enough to make anyone full. All in good time. All in good time.

A little while back, you may have seen a picture I posted. I was at Ocean Beach with some friends in an attempt to go check out some sea caves on a kayak adventure. Well, the first problem with that is – winter swell. The waves tend to be much better on the West Coast year round. In the winter, however, they’re massive. I had known this going in, and yet it all still seemed like a good idea to me. After all, I was the person who came up with the idea to go kayaking in the first place. Following that stroke of brilliance, it was just a matter of rallying others to my cause.

Out of the four of us, only two, including myself, had even been kayaking before. I was the only person that had been ocean kayaking before. Off to a great start. Nonetheless, I felt confident. At least in my own capabilities. I figured the rest could just follow along and learn as they went.

Well, we packed up foods and snacks for the trip. I had zip lock bags for phones and my camera and any other electronics that might accompany us. Why? I don’t know. In hindsight, bringing electronics of any sort once we saw what the conditions were like was completely moronic.

Upon arrival, one kid was freaking out at the size of the waves. Having been out there often with my little brother, I still wasn’t bothered by this. I remained calm and shot down any talk of deviance. With a little guidance and a little luck, we found the shop we were looking for and proceeded to rent out two kayaks. The option to ride single wasn’t available and this was the only game in town.

Immediately following the transaction, a deep and foreboding fog set in. This only created more hysteria. I continued to exude confidence, even excitement. We picked up the boats, and made our way down to launch off the beach, right by the pier. It was gray and eerie, but that only heightened my own personal enthusiasm. It was like something out of a movie. You couldn’t even see half way down the pier looking out at the ocean. There was virtually no one in the water, aside from a lonely surfer here and there, which couldn’t even been seen from shore.

A couple of lifeguards spotted our kayaks and drove up to us in their vehicle. To sum it up, they recommended that we not go out and that should something happen, they would not be able to do anything for us. I remained unmoved. To their warnings, I nonchalantly replied, “We can swim.” After that, they left us to fate.

More dissension. I took charge and persuaded everyone to stay the course and convinced them we’d be fine. Although, I confess, I had very little confidence in the second kayak. The two of them chose to remain together, but both possessed zero experience and one had openly admitted his own fear of the ocean.

For whatever reason, we all kept our phones on us and utilized the zip lock bags. We kept our food and drinks with us as well. I was the only one even in a bathing suit. Getting out was a challenge all on its own.

With low tide, we had to carry the kayaks and carefully tread over hazardous rocks. One wrong step could have easily caused an injury. With waves continuously crashing in, my partner and I formulated a plan to slip in between some rocks down a natural canal-like passage. We timed it so that the water was fairly flat and assisted in pulling us out. We instructed the others to watch us and do as we did.

Well, we paddled straight out over the waves and hit them head on. That’s the best way to do it. The only way to do it. We were soaked within minutes, but pressed on. The two of us enjoyed it. I felt alive. People watched from the shore as we continued on our perilous journey. Others peered from the top of the pier in horror, pointing and joining others in the spectacle. We kept going. I was in the back and I’ll tell you, that was the better position to be in. My buddy was getting dropped in the front. We were racing out to beat as many waves that we could from crashing down before we reached them. This resulted in the boat slamming down in the front after falling down from the back side peak of the waves.

We hadn’t finished getting out entirely, but we reached what I’ll refer to as a safe zone. We were fairly far out there and in between the breaking of waves. Problem was, we couldn’t see the other guys at all and began to worry about them. My partner was more worried than I was, so I asked if him if he thought we should turn around and go check on them. He agreed that we should.

Now, I saw that the wave had already broke. All that remained was whitewash rushing towards us. If caught sideways, we were done for. I decided to go for it and started to paddle alone. My buddy realized shortly later that we were going for it and joined in the fight. It was too late. We weren’t fast enough. The wave caught us and carelessly flipped us over. Fortunately, we had life vests on. There was no way we were going to make it to the boat, but I grabbed the paddles and my buddy grabbed our gear. He swam in with it one handed while I struggled towards shore with the two paddles. It took a while, but we eventually made it in.

The other group had capsized twice and had barely gotten out at all. They were dealing with their own issues when they finally glimpsed the two of us fighting to get out. Initially, the one kid was struck with fear upon seeing our kayak come floating in upside down, the passengers nowhere to be seen.

When it was all said and done, everyone was pretty banged up and we all had our own cuts and bruises – battle wounds. One phone was lost to sea. One survived. Two had to be placed in rice, including my own. Mine was essentially the only one that didn’t make it. I was fortunate enough to get it replaced a few days later with no charge. The one that was lost to sea turned up about a week later. The mother of that guy had called the phone and a homeless man had answered it. Kind of comical. That man and the owner of the phone eventually met up and he got his phone back. Amazing.

Using my powers of persuasion and argumentative abilities, I even managed to get us our money back on the kayak rentals. Believe it or not, that all took place within about 15-20 minutes so we were barely out there. Had I been more prepared, wetsuit and all, I would have stayed out there because the majority of us ultimately decided it was pretty awesome.

I ignored all the warnings...

Now recently, I had a sort of epiphany. Prior to present day, I’ve never really felt like I’ve had any passions in my life. Interests? I’ve got more than I can keep track of. But passions, I’ve been without. This simple fact is why I’ve made many of the decisions in my life and in a sense is how I ended up where I am.

I was walking back the other night from my daily escape habitat – one of the recreational spots where I can snag Wi-Fi. I don’t remember what led me to this thought, but suddenly, I realized that I finally had passion in my life. I almost came to tears because I was so thankful at this discovery. My life now feels like it has a little more meaning and purpose.

I’ve learned that studying Chinese and becoming fluent is no longer just a hobby or something that I feel like I should do. It’s in fact, a passion of mine. I thoroughly enjoy it. It’s actually on the verge of obsession. What else can I say? I’m passionate about it. It’s my primary goal. If I could spend my days just studying Chinese, I would. I get lax at times, but that’s just a natural motivational struggle. I continue to study every day and I feel like something is missing should I happen to miss it even for a single day.

I’ve also concluded that photography has become another passion of mine. It’s become a bigger and bigger part of my life, especially with my recent upgrade and dealing with interchangeable lenses and all that jazz. I’m not always as inspired as I am on some days, but I’m always looking and thinking about what can make an interesting shot and where to shoot next. It’s just something that’s on my mind.

I’ve decided that my love for animals and nature as a whole is yet another passion of mine. I constantly yearn to be outside and around nature - away from all the buildings and people and cars and city life. I want to be in the fresh, open air. I want to be free. I want to help protect animals from all the evils and corruption of human beings. I have no idea if I will be given that opportunity or what will happen in regards to doing such.

I think it’s going to be very interesting to see how these different passions of mine develop and come together in the future, and to see how I use them. Or maybe how they use me.

Until next time.

-Jeff

Time - Not On Our Side

I’m sitting in the rec center, as usual, but you should see me. I’m walking around with bread, peanut butter, and jelly in my back pack. So I’m sitting in the corner, making a damn sandwich. This is my solution to buying out. It’s quite the scene.

If you think that’s weird, just the other day, I witnessed an older guy at work mixing his Cheetos with yogurt…Rather odd, if you ask me. He was Asian too. Not really helping my case.

Still plugging away at work. One day at a time. Scratch that. One hour at a time. Ok, it’s not THAT bad. As stated before, my new, temporary ‘department’ is a hell of a lot better than what I was dealing with before. And the good thing about this temporary position is that my hard work gets noticed. My work is not demanding at all right now, but when there’s something to get done, I can be counted on to get it done. And my boss knows that.

This one kid was really annoying me for a while because he has no work ethic. Can’t separate down time from work time. Disappears often and doesn’t contribute a whole lot. I had a couple arguments before I gave it up. My boss knows I’m right, but he gets equally as tired of dealing with him as I do. I’ve gone volcano on him before. You know what I mean. You’re doing your thing, but this other thing is just eating you up and bothering you like no other before you finally explode. Maybe you don’t. But I get that sometimes. Working on it.

Now, I just ignore him for the most part. I do my thing. If that means me doing the majority of the work, so be it. I can’t be bothered. Rather just get it done and move on. If he can still get a good night’s sleep after not putting forth an honest day’s work, good for him. Working on worrying about myself. I’m the go to guy, and that’s reward enough.

The problem is, I still have that rebellious side to me. It’s not going away. It’s a part of me. So I refuse to accept the standard BS answer that people like to give you and say, ‘That’s just the way it is.’ Bullshit. That’s the way it is because no one wants to do anything to change it and most people just accept that answer, rather than make any kind of attempt to change it. I shut up from time to time, but I make waves when I can. Someone needs to. I will continue to undermine and question illogical authority until I’m old and gray.

Once again, like always, I find myself in a situation that seems and in reality is just temporary. That being said, I feel like I’m in another purgatory. I’m afraid to make big moves. I feel like those big moves will only slow my progress in the future, i.e. getting a car, my own place, or anything of any substantial value. All that will just complicate things when it comes time for me to leave and move on, which will happen sooner than later. I feel like I’m always in this position. It sucks.

I suppose this is the price you pay for always moving around. The sad part is, I still have plans to do so after my current situation ends. I’ve got a while, but nonetheless. I wanted experience over money and materials. I guess I’m getting that. And everything that goes with it.

I manage to stay busy, though. Take for example the other day. I was up at 335, worked till 8 AM. During work, I had already taken care of my laundry. Just had to go collect it and fold it afterwards. Following work, I went to the gym, then took a shower and cleaned up. I took care of all this before it was even 10 AM. In one sense, that’s awesome. In another, it’s just like what the hell.

My free time is so precious that I’ve got to constantly multi task. When work falls on a gym day, I’ll go on break and get a shower in as well. Do you think I like doing that? No way. I would much rather read, relax, and nap. My only other alternative is taking care of that stuff after work.

Well most of my days start at 4 AM and I get out at 6 PM. That’s a long day, even with breaks. The last thing I want to do is stick around there, see the people I’ve seen all day, and limit my own ‘free time’. The only way to maximize my time is to take care of all those things during work so I can just jet out afterwards. And with a 4 AM start, I have to be back by 10 PM at the latest so I can actually get some sleep.

Typically I’m working with between five and six hours of sleep. I’ll get naps in if I can during those breaks. They’re unintentional, though. I usually go and read, but end up falling asleep. I’ll wake up again, read a few lines or a few pages, fall back asleep, and continue this cycle until my alarm goes off. What a day.

I miss not knowing what anyone was saying because I didn’t understand the language. Ignorance is bliss. At least in that, I don’t have to hear all the negative garbage that spews from people’s mouths. I’ve completely lost faith in humanity. I probably never really had much, but being around some of these people all day – it gets to you. I just can’t believe how people think, act, and speak.

Of course, I’ve known this. But again, now I’m exposed to it all the time, daily. I’ll tell you, though. I can’t fathom it. I’m just speaking in generalities because the specifics are countless. Makes you wonder how much good is actually out there in the world. A very small amount, methinks.

I’ve missed the changing of the seasons out here. Autumn, one of my favorites. I would have loved to see the changing of the leaves and enjoyed some of the other comforts that Fall offers. Cider, fresh cider donuts, seasonal beers, the hikes with the views, the warm days and cooler nights, being comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, and just the overall feel. I don’t even watch football, but it was nice to see it on TV with it giving me that Fall sense.

We had a few, I won’t say rainy, but almost rainy and grey sky days. I have to say. I appreciated them. It was nice just to have something different for a change. Oddly enough, I might even be looking forward to the cold. It seems unlikely, though. I think my judgment is just clouded right now. I’ll probably feel differently once I’m in it.

I think I want to just go around the world, dabble in some photography and write about my experiences. Is there a job like this? Can I make it one? How would I go about doing this? I would love to know.

I’ll tell you one thing I’m sick of, though. Rushing. I’m always rushing. I get up at 340, I’m rushing to get down to work by 4. I’m rushing to complete my workout during my break if it falls on a gym day. I’m rushing shower after work, then rushing to walk over to one of the places where I can snag wifi in order to maximize my free time. I’m then rushing back to maximize my sleep time which is more often than not lacking. Rushing, rushing, rushing. I'm a Rushin' American'.

From The Depths

I’ve wanted to write about my experience in this chapter of my life for a while now. So, I’ve finally decided to do it. I expect entries to only occur once in a while. For all intent purposes, I’m going to keep it as anonymous as possible for obvious reasons.

It’s interesting. Years ago, I planned on making a move out here to California. That was before China, and it never materialized. Turned out to be another one of my big ideas that faded as time passed. And yet, here I am. This, however, was not how I envisioned being here. But nonetheless, I’m here.

To be brutally honest, I’ve been fairly miserable since I’ve been out here, at least during the normal working hours. I’ve become a person that lives for the weekends and just getting out of work every day. How sad. The worst part about that is I’ve only been out here for a few months. And in that short time frame, I’ve managed to discover why I never became a part of this before.

Every day has been a battle of some sorts. Most were the same. Every day was a struggle. I despise 90% of the people I personally work with, and on top of that I dislike about 95% of the people in this job as a whole. The people you work with can have a strong effect on your day entirely.

If you know me at all, you know I have a strong policy when it comes to sheer stupidity. Zero. Zero tolerance. I know what you’re thinking, I’m in the wrong place. You’re right. To a certain degree. We’ll come back to that topic later, though.

Back to what I was saying, every day was a struggle. I sleep in the Arctic Circle, so right off the bat I’m miserable. I keep chicken and an assortment of other meats in my locker, and they stay frozen. Alright, I’m being dramatic, but it’s pretty fricken close. I’m up before the sun is out. More misery. I’m surrounded by morons. More misery. The food is terrible. More misery. I work with some really stupid people, and I’m surrounded by these people and the stupidity they bring to the table more often than not. That is followed by laziness and illogical reasoning. I find myself wondering, am I really that smart? The answer is quite simply, no. I’m intelligent, sure, but not as intelligent as I’m made out to be in my work environment. They are just that dumb. I’ve known this for quite some time, and my time here has only solidified the belief that most people are idiots. There’s no other word for it. OK, that’s a lie. There are many words for it. I’m just going to hold my tongue and restrain my fingers from typing them out.

Every day I got out of work was a relief. A weight lifted off my shoulders. A temporary stress relief. I say temporary because I knew I only had a short time to escape my prison. Every night, I would reason things out and ask for patience, wisdom, endurance, and whatever else I thought necessary to get me through another day. Despite it all, ultimately I’m aware that I am here for a reason. What that reason is, I don’t know. It may be a long time until I do.

Maturity is a pain in the ass. I’ve acknowledged that I have a lot to work on, and many lessons to learn. Some of those lessons are harder to drive into my thick skull.

You might be asking yourself, why did you take on this new job? What did you expect? Well, for that I have no answer. But I didn’t expect this. Like anything in life, it requires time. So that is what I’m doing for now – biding my time until I shift into another department.

The good news is, I’m currently working in another department. Temporarily. It was sort of designed as punishment in one way, in some sense. Regardless, it’s a reward for me, and I’m very thankful. Some people sincerely dislike the ‘work’ I now do. Not me. I love it. For the pure fact that I loathe my previous department. From the bottom of my heart, I want nothing to do with that department.

There are a select few that I can tolerate, and a very small portion of those tolerable that I like. From that group, there are even less that I have hung out with or would hang out with after work. The feeling is mutual. Most don’t care for me either. I don’t blame them. I keep to myself, I separate myself from them, and I don’t hang out with them. I don’t think or act like them. I pride myself on all those factors.

The people that I enjoy being around during working hours usually end up being fond of me as well. I suppose I possess some level of charm that eventually breaks down their initial opinions and in the end wins them over. At least to some degree. As for the people I dislike, which is the majority, well they eventually learn to dislike me as well. That’s not a coincidence. I’d like to keep it that way.

Seems I can be a genuine lone wolf at times. I don’t mind it. China helped me in that sense.

Since we’ve breached that subject, let’s take it a bit further. I sincerely miss China. My time was up there, that’s certain. But I do miss it. In case you were wondering, I’ve maintained my studies on a fairly consistent and daily basis. I don’t even know why I continue to pursue fluency. I have no reason. I just feel like I should. Nay, I need to. I’m convinced that China or something Chinese related will be present in my future be it near or far.

I’m not looking for sympathy through sharing this. It’s really just a way for me to vent and express myself on paper. I know it will get better. I know that anything worth waiting for doesn’t come easy and that no one ever guaranteed that life would be easy. In fact, you can almost certainly claim the opposite of that. Life is difficult and there are plenty of challenges that we all must face at one time or another. Some worse than others.

Oddly enough, I deal with so many flat out scumbags no better than the dirt on my shoe that when confronted with some who appears genuinely kind, it throws me completely off. Take for example the other day. I was working, just going through typical, mundane duties. Nothing real challenging or difficult. Out of nowhere, one kid sitting down had actually offered to help move some things. I was flabbergasted. I even said to the guy, ‘Ya know, I’m so used to dealing with a%#holes that I don’t even know how to react when somebody acts otherwise.’ It's amazing how far some kind words can go. Ironically, later on in the day, I discovered he was just another person I didn’t care for, but still. Point is, genuine kindness is rare.

You think that I’m exaggerating when I discuss the majority of people in such a negative sense, but the facts speak for themselves. I witness it regularly.

And I’m not trying to come off all high and mighty either. I know I have countless flaws, but at the very least I have morals. Most of the people I’m around do not. And if they ever did, they were quick to drop them to fall among the herd with the rest of the cattle. I might even go as far as saying that my worst friend is better than most of the people I’m around.

Anyways, I’m doing better. I try to tell myself it’s going to be a good day in the morning before I have to deal with any bullsh*t, which is less frequent now.

The beach and the gym have been my main stress relievers. The oceans have a comforting way about them. Rough or calm. Swimming in them or just watching waves roll in.